Since you’ve been gone
Dear Ex,
How’ve you been? It feels like it’s been ages. I know you come around sometimes, but I honestly don’t remember the last time I felt your presence. I suppose that’s my fault. We didn’t exactly end on the best of terms. I said some harsh things, told you I’d never love you again. Sure, they were from the lyrics of a Kirk Franklin song, but I know they hurt.
So, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing now.
I wrote a test today. An important exam. I had two weeks to prepare for it. You know what I spent that time doing? Nothing. I watched TV, cooked, did laundry, slept, and watched some more TV. I did study, of course, but not the way I used to. Three years ago, when we were still together, I took a similar test. Remember how strung out I was? Well, this was different. I was different. I didn’t have sleepless nights. I didn’t fret. I didn’t even pray about it. You know why?
I wasn’t afraid to fail.
Last time, I spent every day before the exam dreading it. We even had this routine, remember? I’d read and reread every page of my notes. At some point, I’d feel confident I was ready. Then I’d think of you and feel that paralyzing bolt that is your trademark. My mind would go blank and I’d rush for my notes and do it all over again. That year, when I sat before the paper, I felt prepared.
You were there with me, remember? You held my hand in your cold ones, whispered in my ear, again and again: ‘You can’t do this.’ You said that failure was a possibility, reminded me that the human mind could only retain so much. My hands were shaking, my lips were dry, and at some point, my mind went blank. Okay … maybe I didn’t feel prepared. But at least I spent those weeks before the test preparing.
Because I was afraid.
It’s not just the test. It’s everything. You were my reason for doing everything. My motivation. I joined a church group because I was afraid God would take my talent away if I didn’t. I went to parties and events, behaved as expected, because I was afraid of people not liking me. I repressed my self, stayed quiet, afraid to voice my opinions because, what would they say if I told them the sanctimonious rituals they cling to so fiercely have no significance in light of eternity?
You see! This is what I’m talking about.
Fear, since you’ve been gone, things are so different. I do what I want to do, what I believe in. Granted, my actions are guided by principles, but that’s not the point. People’s opinions don’t bother me so much anymore. I know! I’m free to do things I never thought I could do. I’m not afraid anymore, of being tagged, or misjudged. I feel Love, Joy, Peace. And it’s beautiful.
But there’re still days like this.
I still think of you. You were my reason. In losing you, I lost that too. Without you, I don’t worry about losing my job or my family. I don’t stay up at night worrying about to how to cross bridges that probably don’t even exist. Faith won’t let me. I know you think I could still do all that with you. That’s why you still come around.
Hmmm.
Faith tells me there’s a balance, a point where I’ll be able to make plans, do things like prepare for tests and be motivated to do all the things I should do without falling back on old routines. I can have a life without you. But I’m not there yet.
So, in the meantime, I’ll do my best to shake off your paralyzing bolts, and keep these letters short. Untill they stop. Eventually.
Signed,
Me.
Image source: Unknown
